true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
