Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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