I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
