someone get that fucking seahorse.
4 words: hood of his car
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
