Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
