So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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