I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
