yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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