What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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