Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
