well I can't set my house on fire every night
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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