I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
