remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
