dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
