I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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