i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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