TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
