The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
im on a boat
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