you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
