it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
