I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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