i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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