6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
