looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
