Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
