my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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