Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
