Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
