he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
