Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
