I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
His nipple licking is glorious
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