i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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