After last night, I could never be a politician.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
