u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
