you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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