that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
