like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
