he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
