I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
whose ass print is on the piano?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
