Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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