Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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