the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
