are you still at the devil's house?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
