I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
