my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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