you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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