Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
