Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
accomplished twins. life is a go
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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