Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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