I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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