She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize