OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
