she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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