Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
