he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just google imaged poop.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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