You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
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