1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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