At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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