Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
