Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just blew my weed a kiss
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You ruined the universe
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize