I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
